Sensitive Topic: This post includes imagery of war.
While sharing my feelings through conversation proves to be difficult time and time again, I have found solace in writing and poetry. Rhythmic lines and simple rhymes help gather my thoughts and put them into something resembling cohesion.
When I’m faced with dark and anxious thoughts, it often feels as though my mind is battling itself, sometimes even to the point of defeat. But recognizing these feelings and recording them have helped me time and time again, to the point that I could document the battle that takes place within my thoughts:
A decade has passed and the war of emotions in my mind has yet to cease
Intrusive thoughts armored with irrationality and despair disturb my peace
And my mind, once a vibrant thriving city, resembles a war torn nation,
Masked by an atmosphere of lifeless defeat
Ten years of foreign and unwanted sensations held my life captive
Would I face panic attacks or eternal sadness today?
Either way the confusion only cultivates a growing dismay
And each bomb, bullet, hit, and pill destroys my mind further
Ceasefire sometimes ensued, leaving me feeling only numbness and emptiness
No feat felt too powerful to conquer, but no feat felt too powerful to lure me from my bed of distress and I was left to survive in a cycle of hypocrisy that I, alone, created
Years of battle is damaging and exhausting and I am tired
I am tired and I am losing desire and determination to continue fighting
I have conquered death and loneliness, terror and sadness
But now I am tired and wounded, impaled through the chest by a bullet laced with regret
Still, I have felt happiness and excitement, curiosity and inspiration
My motivation comes in the form of travel and music, puzzles and TV
But the joy is taking refuge elsewhere and I guess that makes me a refugee within my own body
Though I still laugh when I’m meant to
And smile when greeted
My laughs never felt hollower
And my smiles more forced
I can’t finish puzzles or finish TV shows or finish my thoughts
It’s difficult to see the progression of time and the linear plots
As my life remains stagnant
Lost to infinity with all the memories that I’ve forgotten
Music has become a means of distraction from the bombs within my mind
If I listen closely to the vibrations of the chords and schemes of rhymes
Maybe I won’t notice the dreadful thoughts that wait for my
Weak, war-torn mind to wake in misery each morning
But my white flag of surrender has yet to be raised
Within days of combat lay hundreds of forgotten men
Memories of repression lost to my mind, never seen again
But the dead and wounded memories have risen, and I think I can now see them
If anyone is finding it difficult to express the thoughts that run through their minds, there are more ways to do this than just by conversing. Finding an outlet for words that seem unspeakable are so important, and can bring one closer to finding the proper help they need.
#SuicidePreventionMonth
